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>>camp happiness — chapter nine: people are loving it::

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"Okay here's the plan," started Fox hastily as he and Cassie strode swiftly to the front double doors leading outside. "Quick few words saying how I enjoyed the camp, how Pepper really supports retarded kids, I take two questions from the reporters and then you interrupt and say that I have to be getting back to Corneria City for a meeting."

Cassie stopped, "No we can't do that, too suspicious. Silence only makes reporters pry more."

"Oh what the fuck do you want me to say? Hi, yes, great time, first-class drugs too!"

The golden retriever still resisted, "Well… why not? Look Fox, I'm having a lot of moral issues with this. We have to come clean about this whole place. The drugs, everything."

"Fuck, there you go again…" Fox muttered, stopping in step before they got to the double doors. "Call me retarded, but aren't you being paid to get General Pepper elected?"

"I'm getting paid to get a good man elected! Now that I know General Pepper is far from it…"

"Look! We're not coming clean about shit!" Fox growled. "I don't know if the cocaine haze has wiped your brain clean, but Wolf and Vilda each have a tape that I don't want on prime time television."

"There you go again, only thinking about yourself. You're such a selfish bastard you know that Fox?" He ignored her. "This is about the good of the planet! The good of Lylat! Think of it this way! Letting Pepper get elected would be just as bad as having everyone see you fuck Wolf!"

Fox stared at her.

"I'm serious!"

He continued to stare.

She dropped her arms. "Okay well if you got any bright options that don't result in a cokehead getting elected then you let me know." She barely gave him a second to think. "See! Can't think of any! We're coming clean."

"What about the fucking tape!" Fox shouted.

"Leave that to me. I have lots of connections in the Cornerian media. This kind of thing is my forte. I'm confident I can stop whoever Vilda sends it to."

Fox shook his head. "Alright, I'm trusting you… You got me by the balls here."

Cassie smiled, "Just how I like you. Now let's blow this popsicle stand."

Katt, Falco, and the rest of the Star Fox team were waiting outside among the crowd of reporters and parents. A few were taking pictures of Katt and Falco and asking questions. Katt modeled her whorish outfit for the cameras, a black leather miniskirt with lace up boots. There was a stage in front of the reporters with a plain white canvas backdrop as though it was to be used with some kind of projected video. Vilda and a wolf dressed as a reporter in a brown trench coat and hat waited behind the podium impatiently. The wolf had an eyepatch and was obviously the notorious Wolf O…Donnell despite his costume, but no one else seemed to notice. He glanced at his watch looking irritated and then he sneered at the hippo as though he were up there against his will.

"Ladies and gentlemen, he should be arriving any minute now," said the elderly hippo into the podium mic.

"Wow look at all these reporters!" Slippy croaked astounded. "Peppy can you remember the last time you saw a crowd like this?"

"Oh yes!" the hare started in a voice that was a little too loud for comfort. "Back in my day James and I were celebrities of the most astute kind! With parties, dancing, and sex til the sun rose!" he shouted.

Several reporters turned their mics toward him and flashed pictures.

"Why we'd bake cookies and fuck women until three in the morning!"

Falco shook his head. "Okay Peppy I think that's en…"

"But I stopped a few years later when I got this damn rash on my balls here!"

"Oh my.&Quot; Katt blinked.

"Oh yes! Boy if you knew some of the tits I got to suck on back then!" he said proudly.

Falco leaned to Slippy, "You forgot his pills again didn't you?"

"That's right you kiddos at home!" He grabbed a news camera and shoved his face in it. "Big 'ol tits," the old man waved his arms around. "Big titty ta-tas, mama ta-tas, chesticles, bazoongas, shabungas, wazzoos!" By now over a dozen reporters were staring and filming. "Boy I used to do this thing with Fox's mother that James taught me. I'd lick her areola. That's the ring around a lady's nipple for those of you who didn't know, and wow that made her squeal!"

There were a few gasps from the crowd. Parents covered their children's ears. "Uh… well…" Slippy had to ponder for a moment. "…Yeah I forgot." Katt and ROB glanced at each other worried.

Falco palmed his face. "You're an ass Slippy, you know that?"

"That bitch smelled too!" The old hare declared.

"Is someone going to do something?" ROB deadpanned.

Katt rubbed her forehead trying to ignore it. "Does anyone know why we brought him?"

"Smelled?" a reporter asked.

"Like a smelly leather piss boot!" Peppy continued with wild eyes. "You know how foxes are! They all smell! Boy am I glad she got blown up in that car bomb! You could smell her puss n' boots from a mile away! I'm tellin' ya, that was not a healthy tuna sandwich! Why I think she's the one that gave me that rash!"

Falco reached for the gun in his jacket, "I can't believe I'm doing this…"

"…I always knew when she was coming!"

Katt's eyes widened, "Oh my God Falco no!"

"…I'd lower my arms like a train crossing in front of her and make a dingin' noise!"

"It has to be done." The avian aimed carefully.

"…And I'd shout at the top of my lungs! LOOK OUT! MS. MCCLOUD'S SMELLY PUSSY EXPRESS COMIN' THROUGH!"

Falco pulled the trigger and Peppy's head instantly exploded, brains and skull fragments flying everywhere as the crowd erupted into a scream filled panic. Katt convulsed and started vomiting all over herself. Slippy got an erection.

No, I'm totally kidding, but Falco did pull the trigger, and there was a deafening gunshot that resounded throughout the forest. However instead of a bullet, a tranquilizer dart stuck right into Peppy's arm making him croon pitifully mid-sentence. He collapsed to the ground as a flock of birds flew away from the trees overhead.

The hare babbled unintelligibly about pussy as his eyes glazed over into unconsciousness. The reporters stared in shock.

Falco replaced the gun. "Sometimes we have to put his medication in bullet form."

Vilda and a disguised Wolf on stage tried to look at where the commotion in the crowd was coming from.

"It's okay people!" Slippy shouted. "Everything's fine! Nothing to see!"

Vilda strained her old eyes but was distracted when the camp building's front doors suddenly burst open beside the stage, Fox and Cassie emerging. The crowd of reporters quickly restored to normal and gave them copious amounts of attention. A lightning storm of camera flashes bombarded the two.

"And here he is!" Vilda called. Wolf made eye contact with Fox as he and Cassie rose up the steps to the stage. He gave a wink as Fox only stared. It was a wink that said 'you fucking lose you fucking shit bag fucker.' But something happened, Fox glanced at Wolf again with a slight smirk. His smirk said back 'why are you even on stage with Vilda you gay cocksucking shit bag fucker fuck since Andross doesn't even control this camp anymore.' Wolf gasped to himself. Fox was right. It was then that Wolf knew the sly fox had something up his sleeve. He wouldn't tell the truth would he? No, impossible, but even if he did it didn't matter to him since he was right, this drug camp wasn't his priority anymore. Wolf slowly took a step back to patiently see what would unfold. At the same time he checked out Fox's ass.

"Oh look it's Fox!" Katt called to Falco as he stuffed an unconscious Peppy in the backseat of a car.

Vilda leaned into the mic, "Fox, it's been such a delicious treat having you here this weekend!" She gestured her thick wrinkled arms toward the fox, waving her hands with excitement. Fox had to admit to himself, the old bitch pulled off that fake granny bullshit pretty well in front of a crowd. "I would just like to add ladies and gentleman that Fox McCloud has been a wonderful guest here, the kids truly adore him. Fox it would be an honor if you'd share a few words about your experiences this weekend."

Fox returned a smile but he paused not wanting to approach the microphone.

Cassie prodded him in the back and he stumbled forward. "We agreed," she growled quietly. "It's for the greater good."

He sneered at her and turned back to the crowd. He knew today so much was going to get fucked because of what he had to say. Oh well. He was Fox McCloud, and Fox McCloud liked to throw gasoline on fire. He only hoped that whole tape thing was a bluff. And if not, he gave Cassie his trust to stop it before it firebombed his image. With the podium's mic now in his face he didn't quite know where to start. "Wow…where to begin!" There was silence from the crowd except for a couple of camera flashes.

"I guess I'll start with one thing." He paused and looked up thinking. "There is something utterly amazing about Camp Happiness that I discovered this weekend."

Vilda's eyes narrowed. Right away she didn't like his tone.

"Camp Happiness as you already know is a place where mom's and dad's dump their retarded kids so they don't have to deal with them."

A young feline mother in the audience looked around embarrassed. "Hey that's not… entirely…" Other parents looked at her. "Well… okay…," her voice trailed off.

"But it's also so much more than that," Fox continued.

The hippo slowly reached for a large cassette tape in her purse.

There was complete silence except for a single cough in the audience. "Camp Happiness is a place where… well…"

Cassie's eyes cringed, willing Fox to tell the truth. Vilda stared, gripping the tape angrily. Wolf bit his lip watching the hippo reach for something. The anticipation was killing him. A couple of cameras flashed as everyone hung on Fox's words.

"Camp Happiness is a camp… that… I don't know how else to put this… it's a camp that…"

"We make drugs!" a little boy shouted from the crowd. It was the raccoon boy Archie. He grinned at Vilda. Wolf huffed in surprise. Everyone gasped including Fox.

Vilda quickly laughed and shoved Fox off the mic, "Now now remember ladies and gentlemen… these kids are retarded!"

"No." Fox corrected valiantly. "The kid's right. It's all true." More gasps.

Katt burst into laughter and nudged Falco, "Oh my God did you hear that? They got retards making crack here. That's genius."

With the tape in her hands Vilda bolted for the podium. She fell on her knees and shoved it into the VCR slot as fast as she could. The malevolent granny-aged hippo sneered up at Fox. "If I go down I'm taking you with me."

His eyes widened. "Oh shit. She wasn't bluffing." Several reporters began to ask questions.

"Where's the proof!" came one shout.

"Yeah! We need proof!"

Archie the little raccoon boy skipped merrily around the crowd passing out little bags of cocaine labeled CH. Cassie grinned and cheered him on. The screen flickered as the cassette tape whirred to life. The proverbial shit was spewing out the fan.

Vilda growled at the coon. "When we're through here today I'm going to rip your little head off you traitor!" Several parents in the crowd gasped, some because of Vilda, others because of the bags of cocaine. Utter commotion was breaking out everywhere.

But then there was total silence.

"Where do you want me? Right here?" came an omnipotent voice from loud speakers on the stage. It was Wolf's voice. Fox cautiously turned around to see a vaguely familiar image projected on the large white canvas background.

"Oh my fucking Go…"

"Yeah, come over here and fuck me big boy." The projected image was of a double bed in a shitty rundown looking hotel room. Wolf was lying on top, resting on his elbow, completely nude, smirking like he always does.

Vilda's demeanor changed from pure anger to slow satisfaction as she watched the scene unfold on the massive screen. Wolf covered his mouth absolutely giddy at the sight. Fox felt his cheeks burn like fire as he slowly palmed his face too horrified to watch. Everyone stared at the projection utterly confused.

Katt looked at Falco. "What the fuck is this!"

He shook his head. "I don't know, but that hotel room looks familiar…"

Fox then heard his own voice speak from off camera. "Fuck… I can barely feel my legs, but that's not gonna stop me from fucking your brains out!" The projection showed Fox appear from the left, naked from the waist down. He stumbled onto the dingy double bed and crawled over to Wolf embracing him sloppily. Gasps from the audience resounded once again. Parents covered their children's eyes and ears with as many hands and as much arm length as they could use. Children fought them off and eagerly tried to watch.

Fox gripped his face as though he wanted to rip it off. Cassie stared in utter shock, Katt, Falco, and Slippy, the same. ROB didn't seem phased at all. He lightly chuckled to himself and felt a mechanical erection coming on.

"Oh yeah that's it, nnnnngnnngh, put it in me," came Wolf's voice. Some people screamed. One mother fainted. There were no words to describe the shocking nature of what was formulating on the screen.

Wolf, with the same satisfied half-open grin as his onscreen counterpart, slowly folded his arms and watched the video as though he had seen it a thousand times. Fox felt he had to do something as he tried to thaw himself out of shame induced paralysis. He stiffly leaned into the podium's mic. "I would just like to point out to everyone that the orange fox on screen may look like me, but really it's not…"

"Oh yeah fuck me Fox McCloud." The bed creaked and rocked.

Fox cringed and then cleared his throat. "Uh…I would like to point out that the first name Fox and the surname McCloud are both VERY common names here on Corneria which you would see if you opened a phone bo…"

"Oh God," Wolf's voice crooned. "I never thought I'd have the great Fox McCloud fucking me! Fox McCloud as in the Fox McCloud of the Star Fox team who stopped Andross five years ago from taking over Lylat. Oh yeah ride me… right there. Oh God!"

Fox coughed uncomfortably. "I would like to point out that, yes, this is me on the tape, but… if you would all just bear with me for a moment… and listen to my theory…"

An engine whined from the distance ahead cutting off Fox before he could continue. He squinted his eyes trying to ignore the grunts and moans coming from behind him and the shell-shocked audience in front of him. It was a large military sized off-road truck speeding down the dirt road toward them. Everyone was too entranced by the projection of hardcore gay sex to notice. The truck roared into the clearing where dozens of cars were parked in rows. Fox cautiously took a step back from the podium.

General Pepper stuck his head out the window, his red military cap blowing off in the wind as the massive armored vehicle screamed toward them. "LOOK OUT MOTHERFUCKERS!"

"Oh my God." Cassie stared in awe.

Katt, Falco, Slippy, ROB, the reporters, parents, kids, everyone, swerved around to see what the noise was.

Before they could react, Pepper's truck smashed into the back of a parked car and launched into the air as if it rocketed off a stunt ramp.

"Oh that's good." Fox muttered.

The airborne engine's roar became deafening as the crowd burst into a furious panic, screams erupting all over. People scuttled in a sea of terror as the truck flew gracefully over several rows of parked cars toward them and smashed down on top of a small black sports car that exploded instantly underneath. There was a collective shriek as people closest were knocked back from the blast, the rest of the crowd further recoiling from runaway truck.

Wolf grabbed his head reeling from the sight. "MY CAR!" he screamed.

"Oh yeah this is the best fuck of my life!" echoed his voice behind him.

The smoking armored truck was unphased yet out of control as it bounced onto the grass still barreling toward the stage. Fox grabbed Cassie's arm seeing that it was coming straight for them. "GO!" They dashed and leapt sideways off the edge. Wolf and Vilda dove from the other side. Fox and Wolf's onscreen grunts and moans climaxed just as the metal monster on wheels blasted into the stage, eating through it, making wood, metal, and scaffolding explode and splinter in hundreds of directions with a shower of sparks. The x-rated projection ceased and the truck took down the canvas background as it continued its rampage toward the camp building. It slammed into the outside wall with a terrible crush, everything glass in the truck exploding out as the back wheels lifted up for a weighted second. The engine sputtered and coughed until it grinded down into an exhausted wheeze.

Things settled and a moment of tense tranquility gradually formed, everyone trying to collect themselves and process what had just happened. A small flare-up of flames emanated from Wolf's already destroyed car as a cloud of dust and ashy debris lazily enveloped the campground.

Fox had landed on top of Cassie in an inappropriate doggie style position. She growled and pushed him off with her arm. "Save it for another tape."

"WHERE'S MY COCAINE!" Pepper shouted as he clamored out the sunroof of the armored truck. He was completely nude and appeared unharmed. "WHERE IS IT!"

Fox and Cassie gazed in awe trying to comprehend the sight.

Katt picked herself up off the grass where she was thrown, aching in pain, as Falco and everyone else did the same. "Oh wow," she whispered at the sight.

Vilda brushed herself off and squinted seeing the exposed canine try and climb out of his wrecked truck. "This gets better and better…"

"Give me my cocaine you selfish hippo bitch!" growled Pepper as he struggled his way out the sunroof. Small trails of smoke were billowing out from underneath the truck.

Wolf adjusted his eyepatch still abhorred by the sight in the parking lot. "WHAT THE FUCK!" he screamed. He limped across the grass toward the crushed burning skeleton that was his car. "Just…WHAT THE FUCK!" Fox's identical sports car was parked next to his. It was completely unharmed. He let out a vicious blood curdling scream.

Suddenly people started yelling again. Fox and Cassie saw it too. General Pepper was pulling a huge bazooka out the back of the truck. Most the reporters were getting set up again to continue filming what was already an astounding event.

"General NO!" Fox shouted as though trying to command an unruly dog.

But then everyone's attention shifted yet again as one person started clapping in the audience. "Oh bravo!"

Everyone looked around trying to see where it was coming from.

"Bravo bravo!" called the deep voice. It was Andross standing with a green chameleon at his side. The crowd slowly stepped away forming a circular space around them. They were both disguised as reporters in brown trenchcoats and matching hats. He took a hold of his temple Stetson and tossed it aside revealing who he was.

Leon made a pose, "Like our costumes?"

Vilda glared at the ape. "Andross! What are YOU doing here?"

"I'm coming to reclaim my factory!"

"YOUR factory?"

"Yes MY drug factory!" he bellowed. The reporters stared in awe at the infamous mad scientist they hadn't seen for years and his declaration.

Fox looked at Cassie. "As if this couldn't get any worse."

A naked General Pepper stood on top of his truck and aimed a bazooka at Andross. "NOT TODAY APE FIEND!" Everyone turned their cameras back toward him.

Small children in the crowd screamed at the sight of Pepper's dangling penis. Parents tried to cover their children's eyes for the umpteenth time. A small kitty girl peed herself. It was one thing to see it on screen, but in the flesh is a different story.

Andross stared. "General Pepper… I think… for the well being of your presidential campaign you should go back inside your truck and rampage it back home."

Katt grabbed Falco's hand. "It's Andross! What do we do?"

"Be more scared of Pepper instead?"

Fox ignored Andross and slowly removed a blaster from his jacket, carefully approaching the old bare bloodhound while holding the gun ready at his side. "General… it's me Fox. Remember?"

There was silence as the General studied him with wild bloodshot eyes.

"Bark twice if you can hear me."

Still no response.

Andross sauntered over to a news camera, "Ladies and gentlemen at home, you can clearly see the old General here enjoys the cat's pee."

Everyone stared at him bewildered.

"Cat's pee?" Wolf asked.

Andross looked around, "Yes cat's pee… that's slang for crack cocaine on the street."

"We're not on a street. We're in a camp." Vilda crossed her arms.

"Okay people you can look up this stuff on Google! It's not that hard! Fine I'll use another term and they can edit it later." He recomposed himself and looked into the camera.

"You can clearly see the old general here likes to ball."

"That makes even less sense," Cassie interrupted.

"What? Why?"

"Because I read somewhere that balling only means vaginally implanted cocaine. The General hasn't snorted a vagina."

Wolf raised a hand, "Well he snorted my ass once, what's that called?"

"Oh no I think that's something else."

Andross let out a frustrated growl. "FINE! He likes the C-dust, the blunt, the blow, the Billie hoke, the big rush, the big flake, the double bubble, the Hi-C! Take your fucking pick!"

Vilda stepped in, "Alright well right now we…"

Andross pushed her back. "I'm NOT done! He likes the ice, the lace, the lady, the line, the mama coca!"

"I JUST WANT COCAINE!" Pepper screamed waving his bazooka.

Cassie had finally reached her breaking point. Seeing the guy she was trying to get elected president announce his love for cocaine for the last time made the cork came off her champagne bottle. With a frustrated canine snarl and to everyone's surprise she yanked a small handgun out of her purse and pointed it at Vilda.

"THAT'S IT! I've HAD enough! I'm putting an end to all this RIGHT now!"

"What? Why me!" the old hippo shouted raising her hands up in surprise.

"Whoa…" Fox said astounded at the maneuver.

"Because this is a camp that makes General Pepper's cocaine and you're in charge, so that makes you the source of all my problems."

Leon nudged Wolf. "You can tell this bitch hasn't been fucked in a long time."

She swung the pistol over to the skinny green chameleon, "I happen to get fucked enough thank you very much!"

Wolf tried not to laugh while Fox intervened, "Uh Cassie no offense, I've been around you for two days and I'm convinced your pussy's grown over."

Andross shook his head, "This is why I don't keep any women around my lair."

General Pepper aimed a bazooka at Cassie, "If you shoot my crack maker… I'll blow you up."

"FINE! Blow me UP! I don't give a shit anymore. You can snort my ashes too."

"Cassie don't encourage him. He'll do it." Fox aimed his blaster at the coked out bloodhound. "General, if you blow her up I'll have to take you down."

Vilda, to everyone's additional surprise, pulled a gun out of her floral print purse aiming it at Fox with two hands. "Goodness gracious Fox, I can't allow you to take down my number one customer."

Cassie's eyes darted left and right still aiming at the hippo.

Fox kept his sights on the General. "That doesn't make sense you can't do that," Fox started. "You can't shoot me because the order of shooting if we started shooting would be Cassie shoots you, Pepper blows up Cassie, and then I shoot Pepper. So you'd die first and you wouldn't be around to shoot me."

Vilda's rigid aim remained and she looked around. "Oh I see what you mean."

More people gasped when Wolf yanked a gun from his trenchcoat and aimed at Fox. "If I'm gonna shoot something, it's gonna be you Fox McCloud. No more being just the fuckee!"

Fox's eyes cringed confused, "That wouldn't even work you ass. Vilda's already gonna shoot me."

"Wait wait, I thought hers doesn't count since she'd die first like you said."

"Yeah but she's still aiming at me!"

"But that's not fair!" Wolf complained. "She should aim at someone else now."

"No I already called Fox," the elder said, "Because there's a chance Cassie will only hit me in a non-vital limb allowing me to still discharge my gun and kill Fox."

"Shoot, I didn't even bring a gun," Andross said in disappointment as he searched his coat.

"Wait!" Leon whined. He pulled out a pistol and aimed at Wolf. "Fox McCloud fucked you and you never told me?"

"Oh great…"

"That was like three years ago!" Wolf shouted. "And I think I was on crack at the time."

Fox waved his gun around, "Oh now you're the one making excuses about it!"

Cassie smirked. "So what's it gonna be fellas… and one elder woman… you ready to die?"

"Well I guess I'll just sit this one out then," Andross started taking a seat on a tree stump.

"Excuse me!" came a female voice from the crowd. Someone was parting reporters and parents as they made their way through. "I said excuse me! God!" Katt marched into the web of gun aiming dragging Falco behind her.

"I don't mean to interrupt or anything, but…" Reporters and cameras started flashing pictures of her. "Oh!" She curtsied in surprise a few times and ran a paw through her hair.

"Katt!" Fox yelled still keeping his gun on Pepper. "Falco! What are you guys doing here!"

"Don't forget us!" Slippy shouted from behind ROB.

Falco shrugged, "Don't blame me, it was her idea to come."

"Oh GOD!" Fox growled. "You guys saw everything!"

"Look Fox," Falco continued. "I got no problems if you're a gay or whatever, but man, Wolf O…Donnell? Dude, you can do so much better."

"Hey fuck you birdbrain!" shouted Wolf as Leon's gun rested against his temple. "Like you're any better Mr. 'I banged a fifteen year old whore on Zoness'!"

"She TOLD me she was TWENTY!" Falco squawked. "Why does everyone know about that!"

"I'm not gay…" Fox tiredly stammered for the last time.

Pepper wiped a tear with his free hand. "I just want some cocaine!"

"I'm gonna start shooting!" Cassie screamed.

Katt stomped her leather boot. "I was TALKING first guys! Anyway, Fox, I hadn't planned on staying this long, I gotta pick up some dry cleaning in half an hour, run to the store for some tampons… whatever. Are you guys gonna wrap this up soon?" She glanced at her watch and looked around.

Pepper's bazooka slightly faltered. "My arm really hurts…"

Fox shrugged and held his gun with two hands. "Katt I don't know, it's not like I planned this."

ROB walked up to them. "Before I go plug myself into the car and recharge, just wanted to say, hot tape. Made me want to fuck something."

"What!" Fox shouted over his shoulder.

"Yeah um…," Falco rubbed his forehead. "Slippy gave him a penis while you were gone."

The toad hid his eyes from the people that stared at him.

"Oh sh…WHAT! I'm gonna fucking kill him!" Fox yelled.

"A penis?" Wolf asked mildly curious as he checked out the tall sturdy robot.

Leon lowered his gun also checking him out. "How big is it?"

Fox growled, "Oh GOD we're not having this conversation."

"It's 9 inches."

"Ooh!" Wolf and Leon cooed in unison. Vilda raised an eyebrow also intrigued.

Cassie had a disgusted face. "Uh you guys realize that thing's a robot."

"How big did you say the penis was?" A reporter was scribbling something on a notepad.

"It's 9 inches."

Wolf bit his lower lip, "Perhaps I could give it a little test run for you?"

Leon shoved him. "Hey back off, he's mine!"

"I swear to God if either of you try and fuck my robot!" Fox barked in a raspy high pitched tone. "I will… I'll… put acid on his dick when you're not looking and it'll… eat your gay ass… holes…" He tried to keep his aim on Pepper.

"Oh ew." Leon rubbed a cheek.

"Excuse me Fox," ROB started, "But I'll fuck people at my own discretion, sans the dick acid."

"Alright," Fox groaned. "Katt I think you and robo dick should leave right now."

"Hey," Vilda started, her elderly voice surprising everyone. "Does anyone remember why we're pointing guns at each other?"

They all looked around.

"No I forgot," Wolf said.

"I'm not kidding… my arm's really really… why am I naked?" General Pepper looked down at himself confused.

Fox tried to think. They all slowly lowered their guns.

Cassie blurted, "Hey wait WAIT! NO STOP! NO we were pointing guns at each other because I wanted to kill Vilda!"

"Do you still want to kill her?" Wolf asked putting his gun back in his coat.

"No I kind of calmed down. I… I guess it doesn't matter anymore. Pepper's not getting elected." She glanced at all the news cameras filming.

The naked bloodhound looked down at his penis again, then his wrecked smoking truck, and then the crowd, "Yeah, I think I kind of messed up real bad today didn't I." He rubbed his nose.

Katt checked her cell phone for any calls she missed. "Okay well let's go."

Fox shrugged, "Yeah I just want go home…"

Everyone started folding up their news equipment and collecting their things. "Yeah great idea Fox!" Pepper cheered. "I'm gonna go home too! And maybe smoke some crack!" Pepper dropped his bazooka. The missile inside clicked when it hit the ground, a small spark igniting fuel. Fox turned around hearing the high pitched whistle of a rocket as it screamed along the ground.

"Oh you shit."

Barely anyone had time to react as the missile detonated in the middle of their circle. An ear splitting fireball burst outward in a nanosecond blasting everyone into the air like leaves blown by a fan. Cassie felt herself go airborne and in an instant she struck a tree trunk upside down with a bone crushing thud. Wolf, Leon, Vilda, and Andross all soared into the parking lot, crashing through the front windshields of different cars. Pepper's naked body was launched backward through a window of the camp building. Fox, Katt, Falco, Slippy, and even ROB all blew back across the lawn tumbling along with the rest of the crowd. ROB's dick flew out of his compartment and went straight into Saburo's ass as he whined for me to finish this story.

And then there was silence and darkness, intertwined…in a silenty darkish silence that was silent…and dark.

Six days later at the Corneria City General Hospital downtown, there was a knock on the door of room 646A.

"Ms. Cassie ma'am, you have a visitor. Shall I let them in?" the nurse asked, carefully checking the stats on a beeping heart monitor.

"Yes," came a dry whisper from the bed.

The nurse opened the door slowly and Fox McCloud entered with a bouquet of pink carnations. He saw the golden retriever lying in a hospital bed, railing on the sides with IV tubes strung around like decorations. She was under thick blankets, her neck brace and bruised face being the only visible part of her.

"Nn… nnngh… no…" Cassie groaned angry and sleep deprived.

"Hey Cass, it's me Fox."

Cassie made an assortment of high pitched whiny noises trying to get the attention of the nurse.

"I'll leave you two alone," the nurse said as she walked out and shut the door behind her.

"I know you probably don't want to see me ever again but…"

"Get away from me you faggot…"

"But I wanted to give you some good news personally."


"General Pepper's polling with a 40 percent lead over his challenger."

"W… wha… how?"

There was another knock at the door and Fox stepped back to open it. Wolf entered wearing two eye patches.

"Bout time you showed up."

"I had a hard time finding my way you asshole."

"I don't… I don't understand…" Cassie drabbled trying to wiggle in her body cast.

Wolf smirked and looked straight past the bed. "Well you remember that night how I admitted I had a tape of me and General Pepper when I held you guys up in the drug lab, and then you called me a motherfucker yadda yadda, and then I said 'relax the competition fucked me too'?"

Cassie groaned an affirmative, a little bit of drool coming out the side of her muzzle.

"Well, I figured I owed it to you for putting you through so much shit… so I gave the tape of Pepper's competition fucking me to the networks."

"Wh… wha…?"

"So when everyone has to choose whether they want a coked up General Pepper or some other guy that fucked Wolf O’Donnell… well… they chose the naked cokehead."

"Oh Wolf…" Cassie's eyes twinkled with happiness.

"See?" Fox smiled, "So really the trip to Camp Happiness turned out to be the best thing to ever happen to his fucking campaign."

"But… but what about what happened… the drugs in the children's camp… Vilda…"

"Oh c'mon, no one gives a shit about retards." Wolf said to the wall. "Besides, they've been showing footage of the whole thing all week. People are loving it! Peppy's apparently got some TV movie deal. Andross got paroled. I'm gonna do some gay porn with Leon and ROB. It's all great."

"And as for Vilda…" Fox picked up. "Well… let's just say she's doin' her time."

Back at Camp Happiness, which was quickly converted to a real children's camp for retards under new management, several children played in the recreation room. Archie, the little raccoon boy, jumped into the ball pit and quickly smelled something terrible. A little kitty girl with balls up to her neck blushed.

"V.D. V.D.!" Archie screamed.

An old fat hippo lady in a neck brace and a janitor's uniform stopped mopping the floor nearby as children ran around her. "What the fuck do you want from me?" she grunted nasally. "What more can you take away from me…"

"Alee peed herself again!"

The hippo dropped her mop and tried to look up at the ceiling begging for God to strike her down with one merciful bolt from the blue. An armed guard watched Vilda carefully.

"This is the fourth time today!" she gnashed in a raspy voice. The kitty girl screamed and ran away from the menacing hippo, a little trail of urine following underneath her. "What the fuck is wrong with you children!"

"They're retarded," the guard deadpanned.

"One day Fox McCloud…" Vilda called to no one as she dug into the pit pulling out plastic cat pee soaked balls, "…I'll get my revenge.

The end.