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>>camp happiness — chapter eight: the theory::

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As Cassie laid on the cold concrete floor with her eyes closed she slowly regained her vision trying to fight the throbbing pain in her skull. "Shit, what happened." She hadn't felt this blasted since her gangbang sorority days at the University of Corneria (voted the number two party school in Lylat). Of course that was years ago and if anyone found out about that her image as a complete and total prude bitch would dissolve instantly. Suddenly she jerked up to a sitting position. Her eyes told her she was in a small cell with two other burned up animals, bars surrounding them on one side, dark concrete walls for the rest.

"Oh that's great." The dog looked down at her once golden arms and paws seeing she too was grimy and covered in black soot. She turned to her right, finding Fox asleep next to her. He looked like a well-done steak, charred with black crud all over his fur and patches of burned out holes in his jacket. Overall he seemed intact. The other burned form to her left was Wolf, also knocked out. Why the hell was he in here?

Fox stirred. "Falco that's the last time I roll on tabs with you…"

Cassie nudged him. "Oh good you're awake. Get up," she barbed quietly.

"I was just experimenting…" He gained his senses. "Whoa, what the… where are we?"

"Uh a jail cell obviously." She searched around herself. "My purse is gone."

Suddenly Fox looked genuinely panicked. "Oh God! But all your tampons were in there!"

"Excuse me?" The frazzled dog cocked an eyebrow glaring lividly.

Fox grinned and carefully brushed soot off his arm, "Well I don't know, you seem to have frequent feminine issues."

She pointed tiredly at him. "I really don't feel like squabbling right now…"

"My friend Katt always complains that when she goes to Supermart someone's taken all the heavy duty snatch dams. That was you wasn't it?"

Her jaw dropped, not even wanting to dignify that. "No! You're so disgusting! My mood has nothing to do with that! It has to do with the fact that I was in a cocaine lab explosion last night and now I'm sitting on the floor of a dark damp five by five cell with two of the biggest creeps in Lylat."

"She's lying," came a low lispy voice from her left. "I can smell the red sea from a mile away." Wolf slowly got up adjusting his eye patch carefully.

Fox's attention darted over to him. "Okay why the hell is he in here?"

Wolf grappled stiffly to a sitting position as though all his muscles were in pain. "Because nothing satisfies a fetish quite like cold steel bars and being held against my will. No, I don't fucking know, geez." He rubbed his forehead.

Cassie struggled to get up and brush her once blue skirt off creating a cloud of soot as she did. "This must have been Vilda's doing. Andross would 't keep Wolf here." She inspected the bars and steel door outside the cell.

Wolf grumbled, "That half ton wrinkled bitch is going to eat a shit sandwich when Andross finds out about this."

Fox cocked his head, "Uh, don't you think you're in trouble too asshat? You're the parade who came down here and blew up half the basement."

"News flash detective Sherlock-a-lotta-cock. That wouldn't have happened if SHE," he pointed a claw angrily, "didn't get her panties in an ass bouquet and go bitchshit on me."

The golden retriever swerved around curtly to face him. "I could stand here and argue about how much I was kicking your ass like I had a small dick to compensate for, but I won't, so right now I'd just like to figure a way out of here."

Wolf stared. "Are you trying to tell us you have a dick?"

"If that would stop all the tampon jokes, then yeah. I have a dick."

"But then you'd have to deal with all the he-she dick jokes."

"If I had to choose," Fox started like a philosopher, "between tampon jokes and shemale jokes, I'd take the tampon jokes."

"Fox stop, you'll make her mad again."

"I think you mean shim."

They both laughed and Cassie crossed her arms not humored at all.

Before she could react there was a snapping sound outside the cell coming from the steel door. Locks were unlatching. Suddenly it flew open, swinging around and hitting the wall hard with a bang. A burst of bright light flooded in with a large figure that was silhouetted. "Good morning!" it shouted happily in a raspy old woman's voice.

"And here I go." Fox flew up and grabbed the bars furiously. "When I get out of here!" he shouted at the top of his lungs. "I'm going to bomb the shit out of this retarded drug pushing shithole you fat fucking bitch!"

"Easy there turbo, you're not bombing anything." The hippo approached hobbling with her cane, wearing an old lady flower print sun dress while grinning into the small cell at her captives.

Wolf struggled to get up. "Okay, first off Vilda sweetheart, darling, you do know that we have the same boss and are on the same…"


He paused at the curt interruption. "…what? I don't understand."

"Ever heard of the The Big H?" she gritted her teeth in a foul menacing smile.

Wolf shrugged, "Yeah, he's the pretty much the king of the entire drug network in Lylat. Andross works his tier of the Cornerian network under him."

"Her," the hippo corrected.

Fox and Cassie tilted their heads silently confused.

Wolf stared through the bars incredulously at the old hippo. "Wait a minute… are you saying…?"

Vilda studied her fingernails and nodded casually.

It hit Wolf like a cockslap against the cheek. His jaw gaped. "You're The Big H? But… but how? You work at Camp Happiness… as a lowly supervisor… you take orders from Andross… you… you…"

"Bullshit everyone," she finished. "This job at the camp is a form of cover."

Wolf felt himself flush. "But that's… that makes no… I… uh… I'm sorry I yelled at you earlier… and told you to change your tampon…" he trailed off quietly.

Cassie shook her head trying to comprehend this. "Excuse me Ms. Denseneck, but are you saying you cover your position in the underground Lylatian drug market… with… another position in the underground Lylatian drug market?"


"That makes absolutely no sense."

"Sure it does. I maintain anonymity while still getting a complete view of the network from the very top all the way down to the very very bottom. And by very very bottom I mean the craphole that is Camp Happiness." She looked around studying the jail briefly.

Wolf shook his head still dismayed, "So what are you going to…"

"Here's my proposition for you," she cut him off without skipping a beat. "Listen carefully as I'll only repeat this once."

Everyone stood silent.

She ignored Wolf and approached the bars closer to Cassie and Fox. "Obviously the truth about Camp Happiness has to stay very much hush hush. However there's more to it than that. In a few hours Fox, you're going to announce that General Pepper is donating twenty million credits to this camp out of the kindness of his heart."


"Well someone has to pay for the damage you three stooges caused! And besides it'll be the big push Pepper's campaign needs." She looked over at Cassie encouragingly.

Wolf sulked, "You can't blame me for any of that damage! It was the bitch who decided she'd be Rambo for the night."

"Alright alright," Fox bartered to the old lady. "What's the catch."

Vilda dug around in her matching flower print handbag for a minute before pulling out a black cassette tape. "The catch is if you don't comply with the demand then a copy of this tape gets mailed to every major news organization in Lylat."

Fox clenched his eyes shut. "Oh for the love of…don't tell me that's…"

"Yes…" she nodded. "It is."

He let out a guttural growl toward no one. "How many fucking people have copy of this thing!"

Cassie interrupted politely, "Excuse me, but we've already been blackmailed by the same gay sex tape."

"Oh Good!" Vilda beamed. "Then you'll be twice as motivated to do what I ask."

Wolf was picking at his claws absently. "Fox I don't know why you're so ashamed of this tape. It's pretty hot. We could make millions on the internet."

Fox growled and covered his ears. "I don't want to hear it! I was drunk! I'm not gay! Just shutup about the damn thing already!"

Cassie frowned, "You should at least consider yourself bi since you sort of consented even if you were slightly drunk."

Fox made a ferocious snarl. "No! I'm not bi! I'm not gay!"

"Yeah but…"

"Look, here's my theory," he quickly cut in.

"Oh lord," Wolf mumbled. "I've heard this one before."

Fox continued. "It's not gay if you're the one that's doing the fucking okay?"

Cassie stared. "But you're still having sex with a guy. If it's two guys having sex, then that's gay."

"No!" Fox defended. "No it's not!"

Vilda scratched her head. "I do believe the lady's right. I've seen the tape. It's quite gay."

"Okay no shutup, you guys don't understand." Fox stammered. "If you think about it, it makes sense. It's only gay if you're the one taking it and I didn't take it, I gave it, so therefore I'm not gay."

"I think you're confusing your terms," Cassie opined. "No matter what angle you take you still did something that could be construed as gay."

"What do you mean? Construed? Is that even a word?" Fox wiped his brow frustrated.

"Well, okay I'll give you the benefit of the doubt and say you're not gay or bi, but you still had sex with another guy, which means you technically performed a gay act."

"Fine!" Fox shouted. "If you want to nitpick the little itsy bitsy tiny details then yeah okay, I did something gay, but I'm not gay!"

Wolf smirked. "Someone's a whiny fag."

"Fuck you!"

"Again?" Wolf pouted. "Fox it's a little crowded in here…"

He was about to lash out before Vilda whacked her cane against the bars startling all of them. "Shutup all of you!"

They snapped like school children in line. The hippo continued. "We need to get to today's plans. First off, Wolf, I'm personally seizing control of Andross' tier of the camp network. Your negligent, careless, balls-out behavior resulted in the obliteration of one of my drug labs and a huge loss of productivity for this entire region."

"WHAT?" Wolf shouted clawing the bars.

"And also I don't like you very much. I think you're a narcissistic queer with an emotional God complex."

"Oh ouch." Fox bit his lip.

Wolf growled still reeling. "How dare you! How DARE you! Andross is a genius compared to you! You might have the power, but he has the brains! Give him two popsicle sticks and a piece of string and in an hour he could turn it into the best cocaine Lylat can snort up its nose! You don't know who you're dealing with! You're going to regret this!" He huffed and puffed trying to catch his breath.

Fox laughed. "I think you're in trouble bud. Andross isn't going to like you very much when he gets the news." A shell-shocked Wolf looked over at Fox with a miserable look of horror.

Vilda continued sternly, "As for you Fox and Cassie, you two need to get cleaned up and look nice and shiny for today. You've got publicity to do. There are going to be cameras everywhere so you're gonna put on a happy face and you're gonna do this right. Got it?"

"Oh go fuck a tree," Cassie spat cruelly. This took Fox by surprise.

Vilda waved the tape again and her slack baggy eyes dug callously into the golden retriever. "Don't… test… me…"

The sun was already high in the eastern sky as a small pink sedan pulled through the heavily forested trail on the way to Camp Happiness. The car was jam packed with five bodies: a matching pink furred cat driving, a blue feathered avian in the front seat, a green skinned toad, old brown hare, and a bulky metal robot all in the back. They had all decided to come visit Fox. The dull thump of repetitive techno bass could be heard through the forest as they made their way, disturbing whatever small animals were mulling about.

"Are we there yet?" Falco asked impatiently.

"God, for the last time, no." Katt chewed her lip in frustration as she drove. They passed a wood entry sign. "Oh wait yes! Yes we are!" Everyone cheered. Finally entering the clearing near the main entrance of the camp, Katt pulled up and parked in an open spot next to two identical black spots cars. The rest of the clearing was filled with news vans. On the lawn in front of the large log cabin structure was a crowd of dozens of reporters with their cameras set up.

"Oh wow," Katt studied the group as she parked. "I thought this was gonna be like a low-key gig for Fox."

Falco shook his head and turned off the shitty techno music as Katt idled the car, "Nothing is low-key for Fox. Now c'mon let's go find him." They all got out and made their way toward the reporters.

"V.D! V.D!" a little raccoon boy ran up behind the hippo who was inspecting the grounds from her second floor window.

"Yes what is it Archie."

"A group of people just pulled up. It's the Star Fox team and some pink prostitute."

The hippo clenched her fist. "Fox you son of a bitch, I told you not to involve anyone else…"

Fox and Cassie sat together on a couch in the lobby. They had been released from their cell and cleaned up completely, leaving hardly any evidence they had been blasted and scorched the night before. "I have to call Pepper," Fox said quietly. "Need to let him know he's donating twenty million and why."

Cassie stared ahead feeling sick inside. "He should understand. After all, he knows about this camp… he knows everything…"

"Oh don't go all melodramatic on me. Who fucking cares! He's going to get elected, you're going to get a nice big bonus for all your work and everyone's gonna be happy."

"Fuck you Fox!" Cassie shouted brimming with rage and passion. "I don't care about my bonus anymore! I'm sick of this! This is wrong don't you see? Pepper can't be elected! He can't be the leader of our planet! It'd be morally wrong!"

"See…feminine issues. Just worry about yourself princess and let me handle the dirty work."

As the bloodhound General sat indian-style on his desk, nude and with his eyes closed, the phone next to him rang. He picked it up, his eyelids still shut. "Mmm… General Pepper in his ultimate state of Zen speaking…"

"General? It's Fox. Uh there's a situation that I kind of need your help with."

"What is this situation you speak of oh woeful and knowledgeable Fox McCloud?"

"Huh? Just listen. It's about the camp. Look…," he paused and took a breath. "I know you know this place is a drug machine and I know that you get your cocaine from here, but that's cool! I'm cool with that! Your secret's safe with me okay? But look, that secret's in danger. Things have derailed a bit and Denseneck wants twenty million or she's blowing the lid on the whole thing, the camp, the drugs, everything. We're in a shit pickle."

The General contorted his saggy face. "What? I hate pickles!"


"Good gracious Fox, especially ones covered in shit! What the hell is wrong with you! Your father would not be proud! Pickles are so long and big and make you feel inadequate and you choke on them if you try to swallow them whole like I do. But the joke's on them! They're just cucumbers bathed in vinegar! Did you know that? I can't…"

"Pepper we don't have time for this. Now look…"

"I don't do drugs. I have no idea what you're talking about."

"General, I said it was cool."

"Though I do cocaine, but that's different."

"Right. I've had enough semantics for today. Right now we just need to…"

"And maybe quaaludes… but aren't those still legal?"

"No! They're not! How fucked up are you?"

"I have a prescription! It's medicinal! Don't push your politics on me! Is that Lassie dog with you?"


"The dog that barks at danger and the boy knows what she's…"

"Her fucking name is Cassie and she's not even…okay you know it's not important, just get twenty million in Denseneck's account as soon as you can. It's urgent."

"What if I just put two?"

"What? Two what?"

"Two credits."

"No General. It's gotta be twenty million, there's no bargaining this, we have…"

"Two hundred?"

"No! That's not even remotely close to…"

"Twenty-five hundred. That's my final offer."

Fox cupped the receiver and looked over at Cassie. "Yup, we're screwed."

Pepper started getting off the desk. "Fox I have to go fill another prescription and masturbate, but before I go, could you find my cocaine while you're there? I've been waiting on this shipment forever and it still hasn't come!"

"General, I'm not in a position to…"

"Fox shutup and listen to me!" He rubbed his rippled face in a panic. "Something's happened that has never happened before and it's deathly serious!"

Fox tried to interrupt, "Can we worry about the money first…"

"I'm starting to sober out! You can't let that happen Fox! Find my crack! You're the only hope for our world!"

Fox nodded. "I'll do my best…Andross won't have his way with…wait what the fuck am I saying?"

The General was pacing around in circles. He couldn't linger any longer. "Wait no! I'm coming down there. I've never been there for you and now I will! I'll help you!"

"Oh for the love of God please don't do that! I don't need your help! Oh God… oh God no!"

The naked bloodhound threw the phone at the wall and dashed quickly out the office.

"No General! No! General?…GENERAL?" Fox stared at his phone then at Cassie. "Oh shit."

"What? What is it?" she eyed him intensely as he sat frozen. He didn't budge. "What is it Fox? Fox you're scaring me!"

He finally looked up. "You know how I said we're screwed a minute ago?"

>She nodded carefully.

"Yeah…multiply that by one doped up bloodhound who's going to be here very shortly."

Meanwhile at that exact moment down in the basement jail cell, Wolf dialed into his phone.

Andross picked up on the other end. "What the fuck happened, I've been trying to call you for hours!"

"Everything happened!" Wolf spat painfully. "Everything was going great! I got here and I scratched Fox's car! And it was going so well!" He started tearing up as he shouted in hysterics at the phone, "I looked really really cool and I was having one of those…you know those days when you feel good and it's just…it was all just so good! I was having that! I had that!"

"Calm down Wolf…you're not making any sense. I need you to explain why I've been locked out of the network. I can't access any camp not even Camp Happiness."

Wolf ignored him and continued, "I found Fox too! And he looked so sexy and he was so hardass and that just turns me on so much! But he found the drug lab! So I blackmailed him like you told me and it was all going great until this ragging bitch with him… just comes… she just comes out of nowhere and she… she just did something that made the whole fucking lab blow up… and there was this explosion and it was loud and I'm all burned and it's just… it's… I'm really tired now and I…"

Andross pounded his fist into his computer console. "Wolf! Get a grip! I need you to answer me! What's happened to my camp!"

Wolf wiped his face, composing himself. He took a deep breath. "It's not your camp anymore."

"What?" Andross asked lightly, wanting to pretend he heard that wrong.

"Vilda is The Big H…, she has been all along, and she's taken it from you… all of it. She's cut us out of the profits. She's cut us out of the network. You control nothing."

Andross sat in silence for a minute, everything in him was fuming. He smiled. "But that doesn't make very much sense Wolf. How could Vilda be The Big H…" his voice rose, "If SHE'S the one that was taking orders from ME!"

"It was some fucked up form of cover. I don't know." Wolf turned angry. "Oh no okay, you know what! It's you're fault for not knowing she was the big boss! I don't understand how you could not have known!"

"Because I don't deal with H in person! Do you know what that means! That means I don't SEE her! I don't HEAR her! It's all in codes and messages and writing… you have such nerve to blame me you ungrateful little pansy brat! I took you in on this! I took you under my wing! I gave you a piece of the pie! I let you suck my dick! If anything you're to blame for this! You're the one that called her a fat wrinkled bitch! You're the one that told her to change her tampon! Not me!" the ape growled.

"I'm the victim here!" Wolf screamed. "Do you know where I am right now?" He looked around panicked. "I'm sitting in a jail cell in the basement of this shithole! I've had retarded kids come up to the bars and throw food at me! I'm being treated like an animal! How dare you blame me! How DARE you! And don't flatter yourself with that taken under the wing bullshit! I got here myself! I had to have sex with a lot of people to get where I am in life! Hello?…" He paused and there was silence on the other end. "Hello! Are you even listening to me!"

Andross hung up and stared ahead at the blank computer screens. Screens that should have been showing him security monitors of the camp. The ape slowly rose from the chair. He decided it was time to pay Camp Happiness a little visit.