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>>camp happiness — chapter seven: wolfmailed::

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"No!" Cassie shouted at the horrid site before her. The scene was everything she had hoped she wouldn't see. "No no no!" She shook her head incredulously. It was all true. The double doors led to the main drug lab, the true source of power for Camp Happiness. Cassie and Fox's eyes laid upon dozens of children sitting at cold steel tables working in what appeared to be an underground drug sweatshop. Their nostrils took in the mixing scents of pot and burnt crack.

"Okay now that's fucked up," Fox deadpanned. He took out a cigarette for a smoke. He felt the scene deserved it.

Cassie's eyes welled up with tears. She clenched them shut trying to hide from the unorthodox sight. With her eyes closed all she could see were scenarios of the media discovering it all. General Pepper had been such a huge endorser of camps like Camp Happiness. "Oh God we're so screwed." She wiped her eyes. The kids didn't even seem to notice them. Instead they were completely entranced in their work. Cassie heard the flick of a lighter and quickly looked up. Fox was lighting his cigarette.

He saw her looking at him with disgust. "Oh I'm sorry, did you want one?"

Cassie glanced back at the kids. Half were rolling what appeared to be marijuana cigarettes, the other half were working with lab burners, test tubes, and white powder. With quick instinct she grabbed the cigarette from his muzzle, threw it on the ground, and proceeded to stomp the living hell out of it.

"What the fuck!" Fox shouted. "Cass I'm pretty damn sure this fucked upness deserves at least one or five cigarettes."

"They're freebasing."


She stared at the kids with burners and test tubes with glazed over eyes. "The process involves highly explosive solvents."

Fox glanced at his crushed cigarette with remorse, and then at the kids. "Well shit."

"What do we do now?" Cassie felt like a commander who just found out her war was lost.

The click of a cocking gun echoed from behind their heads. "Oh I think I'm in charge of that!" said the smooth voice.

They both swerved around to find a somewhat shorter gray wolf, leather jacket, eye patch, and high caliber laser pistol.

Fox almost laughed. "Well this is fucking great."

Wolf grinned at his foe, completely ignoring the blonde tussled golden retriever in the short blue business skirt. "You don't even seem surprised to see me! I'm sorely disappointed." He pouted.

Fox fiddled with his lighter, still unphased. "I figured with something as fucked up as this place you couldn't be that far away."

"Oh gosh!" Wolf faked a little coyness. "You flatter me!" His smirk made an angry twist at the end.

Andross, from his lair, scrutinized every action on the security monitor as Leon sensually massaged his shoulders. The ape was on the edge of his seat.

"Now, let's think carefully," Wolf continued sarcastically, "Just what are you two going to do…" He toyed with his blaster as he pondered.

Cassie intervened. "Who's in charge of this place? Vilda Denseneck?" She glanced weakly at the rest of the drug lab.

Wolf raised an eyebrow and laughed. "Hah! That fat old hippo? Goodness no!" He beamed over at Fox. "But, you should know!"

Fox shook his head. "You fuck. I knew after the war Andross had gone into underground dealings. Weapons smuggling or something, but I never thought this."

&qout;Oh come on! It's better this way! Andross is simply a business man now. As am I. Besides, Vilda couldn't run a glory hole in a truck stop, let alone the hub of our drug network."

Fox's jaw dropped. "Hey you ass, that glory hole expression is mine! I use that! You just stole it!"

Wolf guffawed. "Are you kidding me? You're the one that stole it! Don't even try to pass that off as your own!"

"I have to admit," Cassie started, "The expression is a little too gay to be yours Fox."

Fox crossed his arms resentfully. "Well, it's a good expression so I'm going to fucking use it anyway. I mean c'mon! It's about glory holes for fuck's sake! That's funny!"

Wolf crossed his arms too. "Well every time you use it at least give me some fucking credit."

"I doubt you're the first smartass dick with the 'I'm an assfucking rebel' attitude to use it."

"I'm not the one that does the fucking in my relationships."

"Oh that's right, you're not the fucker. You're the fuckee!"

"Alright stop it!" Cassie shouted. "The both of you! Wolf I want to know if there other places like this!" she demanded.

He grinned and kept his eyes locked on Fox. "Oh sure! Just about every camp out there for underprivileged or retarded kids is a drug pumping machine."

"Wait wait what?" Cassie stumbled over the last statement. She rubbed her temples trying to knead the facts out. "So every camp we've politically endorsed in the past six months pushes crack cocaine and marijuana on the black market?" Shock and defeat were in her voice. "Camp Happiness, Camp Joy, Camp OTG, Camp…"

"Oh wait," Wolf stopped her politely. "No not Camp OTG… that place really is full of retards. We tried getting them involved in the ring years ago but it never worked out. To sum things up, it was like drama with down-syndrome." He swiveled his attention back to Fox. "Oh have you stolen that expression too? Or is it not funny enough for you?"

"Oh fuck you."

"You know Fox…" Wolf's good eye wandered lower. "I can't help but notice how much you've kept yourself in shape since I last saw you." He took a step closer.

Cassie stopped rubbing her temples and looked up.

"Oh great…" Fox mumbled.

"Aw what? You don't miss the times we had together?"l

Cassie glowered at Fox, "What does that mean?"

Fox clenched his teeth. "I don't know what the fuck you're talking about."

"Sure you do… two years ago! On Zoness!" He licked his lips.

Fox's eyes suddenly weakened their intense glare.

Wolf laughed. "Oh now he remembers!"

Cassie stared with disbelief at the both of them. "Wait wait… what happened?"

Fox grumbled to himself. "Why do all the fucked up things happen on Zoness…"

"C'mon Fox." Wolf hopped right up against him. He inspected Fox's lips, tempted to get a taste. "You can't say you didn't enjoy it."

"If you don't back the fuck off me I swear I will rip your dick off and shove it in that empty eye socket."

"Sure you were quite drunk in that shithole of a bar… and horny. But we didn't care who worked for who did we?"

Fox clenched his eyes shut. "Don't bring this up man, c'mon. That was a long…"

"No!" Wolf sneered. "I've been itching to get to this all night! Remember you said how you were just oh so delighted you fucked me over during the war. I simply offered if you wanted to do a little… reenactment."

"Oh my God!" Cassie blanched. "You slept with him!"

Fox's face twisted with regret. "No! No I didn't!"

Cassie switched her glare to Wolf unsure of who to believe.

"Oh don't lie Fox!" Wolf stepped away and waved his gun at him. "Remember we got it on tape!"

"I don't fucking believe this…" Fox grumbled.

"TAPE?" Cassie yapped.

"Yeah! Fox loves to tape all his escapades. Says he likes to jack off to it later."

The golden retriever made a sickened face. "Yeah, I actually already knew that."

"Oh Fox…" Wolf seemed disappointed. "You didn't fuck her too did you?"

"No! …not yet at least."

Cassie smacked him in the arm.

"Ow! Don't hit me! Can't you see I'm going through a lot right now!"

"Oh you're the one going through a lot?" she argued. "Look around you!" The kids at the tables were still diligently prepping drugs. "This will destroy Pepper's campaign! And my career!"

"Alright alright." Wolf composed himself and straightened his black leather jacket, ready to get back to business. "Here's the deal for the both of you, if you choose to accept it."

Fox and Cassie stayed silent.

"You two now know the beautiful truth about Camp Happiness. After all, they don't call it Camp Happiness for nothing." He chuckled lightly. "Now you two will keep this a secret. And in return I won't mail my copy of that special little tape me and Fox made to all the leading news organizations in Lylat." He grinned at Fox who remained tightlipped.

"And!" He turned his attention to Cassie. "If no one ever knows the truth about this place then you get to keep your job! And the good old General gets to keep his chance of winning the presidency next month." He nodded to both. "See? Everybody's happy!"

"This place won't last." Fox threatened. "Someone's going to eventually find out. The children's parents. The media. You can't keep something this big a secret."

"Oh not if General Pepper's elected president!" Wolf waved his blaster.

Cassie gave him a confused look.

"Let me help you out with that one," Wolf continued. *quot;Camp Happiness creates the finest crack cocaine Cornerian credits can acquire. But take a wild guess who our number one customer is!"

Fox shook his head about to laugh again.

"No!" Cassie shouted. "It can't be true!" She was devastated.

"Yes!" Wolf returned. "C'mon toots surely you've heard the rumors before."

"I didn't think they were true!"

"General Pepper is more doped up than any other bloodhound I've ever seen!" Wolf was elated to share the fact. "He's not even coherent most the time! You must be a fucking retard not to have noticed!"

Cassie shook her head in disbelief. "…I thought maybe he was just eccentric."

"Hah! Eccentric, yes! But he's shit out of his mind! Hell, even he slept with me!"

"WHAT?" Fox and Cassie shouted in stereo.

Wolf grinned. "Yup, rode me like the dog he is! Oh I also got that one on tape sweetheart so I'd be more than happy to release it too if either of you were to make any future fuckups."

"I think I'm going to be sick…" Cassie vaulted backwards but caught herself. She clenched her stomach and looked at the floor grumbling.

"Okay," Fox started as Cassie groaned sickly in the background. "I thought me fucking you was fucked up…but Pepper fucking you? That's even more fucked up! I mean how does that even happen?"

Wolf ran his paw gently up and down the shaft of his blaster. "With the magic of hardcore drugs anything's possible."

Cassie was in a trance. "Our next president fucked Wolf O’Donnell… Our next president is addicted to cocaine…"

Wolf grinned. "Well when you say it like that honey he sounds like a wonderful leader!"

Cassie snapped out of it and looked up. Her narrow blue eyes were filled with rage. "You motherfucker!"

Wolf smirked at her. "Oh relax, the competition fucked me too."

Fox cringed. "Wait… the only other candidate is the commerce chancellor. He's a sixty-eight year old giraffe."

"I know. I have no shame. But he had a tongue like a…"

"Alright that's enough!" Fox shouted. "Sorry, but we don't need to hear about every guy who's fucked you!"

Wolf pouted. "Oh don't be so irritable. Sounds like you haven't had a chance to unwind in a long time." He glanced at Cassie who was angrily adjusting her skirt. "Oh that's right, the bitch doesn't put out."

Cassie had reached her limit. She growled baring her sharp canine teeth. "That's it!" She took off her high heels one by one. "I'm going to kick your ass!" Without warning she dashed into him and knocked him off balance sending him squealing backwards into a concrete wall. She was quickly on top of him, slapping repeatedly with unrelenting rage between her rabid snarls.

Fox was tempted to just pull out a cigarette and watch the dogfight, but he saw Wolf's blaster still in his right hand as Cassie transformed into a vicious slapping she-bitch. She was vulnerable to the weapon. He turned around to look for something to hit Wolf over the head with, but it was too late. He heard the crack of a blaster between the animal noises. The red hot beam was fired downward at the floor. It zinged off the concrete, zoomed across the room, ricocheted off a wall and headed toward the kids who were freebasing cocaine. The beam blew through test tubes a young raccoon boy was monitoring carefully. The glass ruptured, the contents splashed out, bubbling free with angry plumes of smoke. The boy shrieked and shielded his goggles.

"Oh that's good," Fox muttered.

A blinding explosion erupted from the table.

Andross only saw a bright flash before his screen cut out in a burst of static as he sipped his caramel macchiato through a straw. "What the fuck?"

Leon's head popped up from his lap. "What? What is it?"

With a deafening roar and a wall of flames, drug-peddling kids in labcoats became airborne with squeals, shards of glass, and debris. Fox twisted away to shield his face, but he was launched off the ground with the rush of scalding heat. Cassie and Wolf, still brawling, threw themselves sideways underneath a steel bolted table as flames roared around them. Fox flew forward through the fire filled air like a bullet into the double doors they entered through. He hit shoulder and head first, burst straight through, and was vomited out in a mushroom of crack fueled flames. He sailed through the corridor like a doll tossed by an enraged child before he landed and slid meters across the slick marble floor. His body finally came to a rest, sprawled out and motionless. His jacket and fur smoked and sizzled. He tried to get up with a tired groan, but it was too much. He collapsed and was soon unconscious.

Vilda Denseneck frowned at her now static filled security monitor. She saw exactly what had happened. "Nice going shitbags." As she reached for her cane the fire sprinklers casually turned on. The fat hippo and her entire suite were soaked.

As she sat for a few moments in her drenched splendor, the phone rang. She took her time to reach over and pick up the receiver. "…This is Vilda Denseneck of Camp Happiness speaking."

There was a deep grunt on the other end of the line. "Where's my cocaine!"

"Oh hello General Pepper. I was just talking to your secretary about that."

"My secretary is a robot spy from Venom!" he growled. "She has a mechanical vagina that sharpens pencils! She's trying to deceive me! Trick me! Put artificial sweetener up my nose!"

Vilda ran a hand through her soaked gray hair. She didn't mind the constant spray of water coming from above anymore. "General…your secretary already put in an order for you."

"She put in an order for my constant emotional pain and anguish! That's what she did! Now unless you can crush up my feelings into a fine white powder and snort them through a dollar bill that doesn't help me!"

"General," the hippo started tiredly, "I guarantee your order will come as you expect tomorrow morning." Vilda caught herself right after saying that. She slowly looked around at her soaked room and the intermittent xenon flash of the fire alarms.

"Actually on second thought. There might be a delay."