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>>camp happiness — chapter six: this is a rabbit hole::

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Disclaimer: Don't own, don't sue.



Fox and Cassie continued their stroll through the camp's basement. The narrow hallway they walked through gave Cassie the jitters. She was certainly claustrophobic.

"There's nothing down here, let's go!" the golden retriever protested, pulling at Fox's arm. He didn't budge from his determined pace, still trudging on toward the door at the end of the hallway.

"Can you smell that?" he questioned taking a few sniffs of the air as they walked.

"No, now come on…"

"Shut up, I swear to God I recognize that smell."

Cassie suddenly caught a whiff. She could no longer deny the odor. "It smells like really nasty cheap cigars."

"It smells like pot."

"What!" she belted. "Are you sure you're not just smelling yourself?"

Fox took offense. "What the fuck!" he shouted. "I smoke recreationally! I'm not some kind of burnout!"

"Hah! Right!" The golden retriever put both hands on her hips as they walked. "I had to drag you away from a crushed joint earlier today."

"It was a good joint!"

"Do you have any idea what could have happened if a news reporter with a camera saw you smoking pot!"

"Oh don't act like you're some high and mighty bitch!" Fox retorted. "You're helping a cocaine addict become president!"

"For the tenth time General Pepper is not a coke addict!" Cassie shouted. "We've been through this!"

"I dare you to call him right now and ask him what he's doing."

"No! What are you, six? Daring me to call someone? You're such a child Fox! Besides, we're in a basement. I'm not getting any service…"

"I guarantee you he's snorting a line right now."

"Stop it."

"Thinking about you…"

"Don't even."



"Bent over a table."

"You better not…"

"Doggie style."

"Okay that's…"

"Snorting cocaine out your ass."

Wolf O’Donnell angrily swerved his black sports car around another bend in the road. The ground beneath his wheels growled as he licked his teeth knowing Camp Happiness was just a few more turns through the moonlit forest. He was quite pleased for having been able to make it in less than eight minutes. The expressway going out of town had almost no traffic. Just as he rounded the last bend kicking up mounds of dirt, the lights of the large log cabin complex for Camp Happiness came into view. In the clearing in front there was another black sports car bathed in Wolf's headlights.

The license plate read "STRFCKS"

Wolf's jaw dropped at the sight of the similar jet black vehicle. In fact it was the same model as his, just a year newer. "That son of a bitch!" He slammed his boot on the brake and veered up close next to the parked car almost hitting it. "He always has to fucking copy me!" Wolf furiously pulled the keys out of his starter and angrily fought with his seatbelt before he got it off. He violently shoved his door open into the side of Fox's car. This made a nasty crunch of metal on metal.

"Oops!" he shouted with an angry curl of his lip as he got out. He spit on Fox's car, but still felt unsatisfied as he heaved in angry breaths and wiped his lip. He knew he was short on time so he calmed himself. He thought about etching the car with obscenities and gay pride symbols with his key, but instead he straightened his black silver studded leather jacket. "I'll take care of you later," he called toward the car as he coolly started toward the camp building's main entrance.

Fox and Cassie finally reached the end of the hall after stopping to argue for another five minutes. Fox glanced at the door and gave the handle a jiggle. It was unlocked. "Well I could continue bitching with you but I got a basement to explore." He turned the handle and pushed it open. The next room was unsurprising, just a small square with coat hangars, boxes, and another door."

"Absolutely nothing!" Cassie shouted. "I don't care what you smell. This is a waste of time. I'm going upstairs."

"Wait wait wait a second!" Fox took a few careful steps into the room keeping his eyes on the coat hangars. "There's something fucked up about this…"

Cassie stopped and turned. "What now? What is it?"

Fox continued inward, and picked up a white lab coat off one of the coat hangars. He held it out for her to see. The coat looked like a miniature, fit for a munchkin. "It's tiny!"

"Who in the world could fit into that?" Cassie followed Fox into the room.

He held the coat up higher. Its length went from his shoulders to just above his stomach. "A kid no less."

Cassie picked up another coat. "Well yeah, but what would the children need lab coats for, especially if they're retarded?"

"Don't you mean special?" Fox grinned.

"Right right."

They both looked over at the next doorway.

"Something tells me they're doing a little more than just arts and crafts…"

Meanwhile upstairs in her room, Vilda Denseneck gave Andross an incredulous look into the telescreen. "THEY'RE WHERE?" she shouted.

"Will you relax!" Andross shouted back through the screen. "I've already got an associate on top of the situation." His leathery visage held a stern expression showing he meant business.

"Who!" she croaked.

"One of the best."

When Wolf's boot made contact with the marble floor of the lobby, it made a satisfying click sound. He cracked the knuckles inside his leather gloves and took a deep breath. The scent of Fox was everywhere giving him goose bumps on the back of his neck. He had to admit he still had a little bit of a crush on the stud from way back when. In the moment of his uninterrupted coolness, a sudden funky tune started playing from Wolf's belt.

"Dammit." He cursed under his breath. It was his cellular phone. He quickly answered it. "Wolf here."

&qout;This is Vilda Denseneck!" came the weak gritty voice. "Just what is it you're planning on doing with McCloud? You'll only bring more trouble to this camp than there already is! Right now we don't need a…"

"Shut the fuck up you wrinkled old bitch," spat Wolf. "You're not the one in charge here!"

The hippo on the other end of the line stayed silent.

"Besides, I have absolutely no intentions of killing Fox or his little friend if that's what you think. Our relationship is well beyond that." Wolf smirked at the thought for a moment. "If you'd even listened to a word Andross told you instead of ragging your hippo pussy all over the fucking place, you'd know my orders are simply to solve the situation."

"Solve the situation?" Vilda shouted. She seemed close to a stroke, waving a cane all over her room. "He's in the basement right now! Not even a few doors away from one of my labs! I've got twenty kids down there chemically freebasing cocaine! If he were to find…"

"Again," Wolf cut her off with a calm voice. "I said I'm going to solve it. And when I say I'm going to solve it that means I'm going to solve it. Now do yourself and the whole world a favor and change your tampon. I can smell your cunt from the lobby." He clicked the phone shut.

Andross smirked at the dumbfounded old hippo from his telescreen. "I told you he's one the best."

"What about me?" came a slick voice from behind Andross. "Aren't I one of the best too?" Two green scaly hands found the ape's shoulders, and snaked their way down to his chest.

The ape gripped one of the arms and twisted it around making Leon squeal. "Can't you see I'm on the fucking telescreen!"

Vilda, still dumbfounded from her call with Wolf, watched the odd scene unfold before her.

"Sorry sorry!" Leon begged. "…Come to my room when you get off?"

Andross growled at the skippy chameleon and shooed him away. He quickly regained his composure to face Vilda. "Remember Ms. Denseneck, this camp doesn't belong to you. You're merely a benefactor. A maid. You're nothing to this camp, and I am everything. If Fox figures out what's going on then that is all your fault for allowing him access to the basement. Even if he does figure things out, we have ways to keep his mouth shut. There is a rabbit hole here on Corneria, and he's so deep in it, not even a carrot will help him find his way out." He smirked and clenched a leather clad fist at the screen.

Vilda blinked. "…I'm sorry, what?"

Andross paused from his self-indulgent coolness. "…What?"

"A carrot. The expression you used…that analogy makes no sense."

"Yes it does." The ape was indignant.

"No, no it doesn't." The old lady was insistent. "I can understand if our whole drug network is the rabbit hole, but what is the carrot? And how would that even help Fox find his way out of this hypothetical rabbit hole in the first place?"

Andross grumbled. "Okay okay, yes you're right about the drug network being the rabbit hole…" He paused to think it through.

"And the carrot?" Vilda asked.

Andross continued to ponder. "I uh…think the carrot is Wolf."

"No I don't think that's right. Wolf's not a carrot. He's like a fruit or something."

"But a fruit wouldn't lead someone out of a rabbit hole," Andross argued.

"Well, neither would a carrot, especially if Fox is a fox. Rabbits are the ones that eat carrots."

"Well what do foxes eat?"

The hippo scratched some of her gray hair. "Uh… well they're omnivores. They like small rodents, insects… wait you know what, let me Google it." She turned toward her laptop.

Andross howled, "We don't have time for this! Just shut your mouth and keep out of the fucking situation! Andross out!"

Vilda tapped her cane at the screen as the ape's visage faded to black. "Wait a second…" She paused. "I got it! If a carrot can't help him find his way out then he'll be in the rabbit hole forever! Yes! I knew Wolf was a fruit!"

Cassie and Fox were still exploring the maze like basement. As they rounded another corridor an item on the ground caught Fox's eye making him jerk to a stop. "Jackpot!"

Cassie was holding two miniature lab coats. She didn't know why she was still carrying them. "What? What do you see?"

He picked up the small flap of folded paper off the ground and held it up for her to see. "Rolling paper."

"Oh give me a break," she started, "That looks like it could have come off an air filter or something."

Fox shook his head. "Nope trust me, this is a rolling paper for a joint."

"Yeah, I trust you." Cassie cocked her head to the side. "You're the fucking expert on everything related to illegal drug use!"

"Hey don't push your politics on me! And don't be such a bitch just because this trip is getting more and more suspicious. I mean I know you can smell the…"

"Yes! The smell! I heard you before!" She sniffed furiously at the air around her. "That smell could be anything! Maybe they just need to clean down here!"

"Cassie!" Fox shouted. "This basement smells like The Great Fox on our Rastafarian weekends. Wake up and smell the home grown marijuana man!"

The golden retriever started on another rant but Fox wasn't listening. He looked down the corridor. There were two tall double doors ahead that were beckoning his attention.

"…Of course I have to work with Fox McCloud, the biggest asshole in Lylat, to do my job. Of course out of all the fucking heroes on this fucking planet I get…"

"Cass!" Fox shouted.


"Shut up!" He looked back down the corridor at the double doors and she followed his gaze. At that moment one of the doors peaked open and a little smoky colored pup in a lab coat trotted out and disappeared behind the corner of another corridor at the end of the hall.

The golden retriever was stunned. After a moment of silence she opened her mouth. "What time is it?"

Fox glanced at his watch and grinned. "2:15."

"Why are you grinning! Don't grin! That was just fucking weird. That kid should be in bed! What the hell was he doing in there?"

"Let's find out."

They started toward the doors. As they receded down the hall getting closer and closer, a silent shadowy figure peeked its head around the corner of the corridor to watch them from a distance. He gritted his teeth knowing he was too late.

"On to Plan B," Wolf mumbled.