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>>camp happiness — chapter five: oh the irony::

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Disclaimer: Don't own, don't sue.



"So what exactly is it like to be Fox McCloud?" the golden retriever asked as she and Fox walked through the empty lobby. It was dimly lit by the light from a full moon shining through the glass ceiling above.

"What the fuck kind of question is that?" he blanched with his hands still in his jacket pockets. "You sound like you're trying to analyze me."

"I'm not!" she defended. "I'm just trying to make conversa…"

"With what's it like to be me?!" He cut her off with the curt response. "You sound like you sucked off Dr. Freud."

The golden retriever's face went tired. "Fine, be a hardass."

"You're damn right! Buns of steel baby!" He turned and pulled his jeans tightly over his behind for her to see. She couldn't help but eye it, staying silent. He returned to walking with her and finally opened to the question, "Fine I'll admit, it has its moments."

Cassie turned to look at him. "Moments? What kind of moments?"

"You know…secret missions, fame, orgies, tight ass bitches like you…"

"Right right, I thought you were the one with the tight ass?"

Fox grinned, "I'm talking more so about the inside rectal muscle not the outside surface area. You know how there are some girls, not much unlike yourself, that just act like their sphincter is in full chokehold mode, like they could break a steel rod in half with their ass. Do you do kegels?" Before she could respond he cut her off again. "Wait wait wait, I got a real question for you!"

"Oh?" she seemed uninterested.

"Yeah! How'd you land up working as General Pepper's publicist?"

She rolled her eyes and sighed, almost embarrassed of the story she was about to tell. "I worked for a magazine, Corneria Times, maybe you've heard of it if you're literate. I guess the General, or his people, liked my work because I was hired for his…"

"You gave him a blowjob didn't you?"

"Ew oh God no!"

"Aaah!" He grinned like a little boy. "I knew it! The truth is all over your face! You blew his cock like a whistle!"

"I sure as hell didn't!"

"Okay like a flute."


"An ocarina?"

"Stop it."

"Okay an oboe."

She ignored him.

Fox continued. "You know he's like a coke addict right? I mean you're helping a coke addict become President of Corneria."

Cassie ran a paw through her hair, almost tired of the accusation. "I don't believe those rumors one bit. He seems like he'd make a fine leader."

"Pepper couldn't run a glory hole in a truck stop, let alone Corneria."

The golden retriever went on the defensive, stopping abruptly and putting both paws on her hips. "Alright! If that's true then how did he run our military and lead them to victory so many times?"

Fox's jaw dropped as though about to laugh, "He didn't! It was my fucking team that saved Corneria and his saggy ass all these years!"

She gritted her teeth and backed down knowing he was right. "Well fine, this is my job! What am I supposed to do? I'm going to make Pepper look good because that's what I get paid to do!"

"Well I think your job sucks."

"No thanks to you!"

"It sucks probably as hard as the blowjob you gave him."

"Alright, that's gonna stop right now!" She glared at him absolutely flustered.

"Oh I got it now! Like a clarinet! Am I right?!"

"Did you hear me?! I said right now!"

"Trombone?" He made a sliding motion with his hand.

She barked and smacked him across the back of the head.

"OW! Why do you always get physical you vicious bitch?!"

Meanwhile, somewhere in the heart of Corneria City at the Star Fox team loft, while the city slept, the spacious ritzy apartment was still wide awake. Falco was on the couch watching 'The Price is Right' on a big screen TV, and Slippy was working intently on something in his room, making quite a bit of noise in the process. Peppy, of course, had been asleep for hours since it was just past midnight. Earlier in the day he superglued baked cookies to his naked body and ran around the loft. He had to be tranquilized. Slippy definitely felt terrible for forgetting to give him his pills.

Falco stared ahead, not paying attention at all to the old dog on TV holding an extra long microphone while showcasing products for contestants to win by guessing their exact prices. No, he was much too distracted by the thought of where Katt was, making the rounds at the various clubs in Corneria on a Saturday night, bumping and grinding with only God knows what. There was a loud crash from Slippy's room and then his door opened on the far side of the living area. The toad came out carrying quite a bit of metal rubbish.

Falco raised an eyebrow. "Do you have to make so much fucking noise at this hour? People are trying to watch TV and mope in silence."

"Oh well I'm sorry!" Slippy cried with mock affection. He grinned. "I'm only in my room enhancing ROB with what will quite possibly be one of his most significant upgrades of his life! It's my greatest idea yet!"

Falco rolled his eyes, "I can only imagine." Slippy had already trotted into the trash room dumping the metal rubbish, but he came back with still one piece of metal in his hand. It was long and cylindrical.

"What the fuck is that?" Falco asked with intent curiosity taking a sip of his half empty beer can.

"I call it… the love rod!"

"It looks like a penis."

"It is a penis."

The sound of a mouthful of beer spewing out like a geyser made Slippy's eyes go half closed. "If you're going to mock my intentions go ahead."

Falco wiped his beak as he choked a little more on his beer. "Slippy!…"

The stoutly toad was already walking back to his room not eager to respond.

"I swear to God if you put a dick on that robot I'm going to kill you and make it look like an accident."

Slippy opened the door to his room. A robotic voice called out from inside, "Is he bitching again?" it asked in a deadpan voice. "Tell him he can play with it once you get done screwing it on."

Falco cringed, but before he could fully react, the sound of a key stabbing in the front doorknob caught his attention. The door came open and a bright pink furred cat in an ornate red leather body suit came prancing into the living room.

"I got the greatest idea!" she squealed.

"You're back early," Falco called, still staring at the TV as though he didn't care.

Katt's shoulders slumped. "Aren't you even going to ask me what my greatest idea is?"

"Is it a metal penis? Because that greatest idea has already been taken."

Katt gave him a confused look before a robotic voice called from Slippy's room. "Nine inches?! You ARE a god!"

Katt ignored it and turned off the TV, standing between Falco and the screen. "Okay here it goes," she started dramatically in a hands on hips pose. Falco crossed his arms somewhat annoyed. The pink furred cat continued, "I came to this idea while dancing at Club Furbuns to hardcore techno music. My slick leather-suited body was wedged between a seven foot bear and a white stallion named Cletus."

Falco's eyebrows vaulted.

"As their bulging crotches thrusted against me rhythmically from both sides to a pumping trance beat, I thought to myself…" She dramatically threw her hands on her forehead as though in intense deliberation. "Wouldn't it be great if we totally surprised Fox at that retard kid camp he's staying at this weekend?!"

Falco stared with his beak half open trying to process the whole story.

"…I uh… I like it!"

Back at Camp Happiness, Fox and Cassie continued their midnight stroll.

"I wouldn't have to hurt you if you just kept your fucking mouth shut!" the golden retriever shouted.

Fox rubbed the back of his head tenderly after just being smacked. "Why do you have to curse huh? This is a children's camp. Cursing here is wrong Cassie."

"Oh don't even…"

"I mean, would you curse in front of your kids?"

"Just shutup."

"You're barren aren't you? I bet your cervix is like an ice cave."

She raised her hand in a striking motion threatening another slap.

"Your ovaries are probably like AAH! Sub-zero temperatures!" The slap was coming and he quickly tried to guard his head from an attack. "Alright alright! I'll stop!" He stepped back and bumped against one of the banisters for the lobby stairwell and quickly took a look around. There was a set of stairs that led up to the second floor, but strangely enough there was another set leading down. "A downstairs?"

Cassie looked at the stairs with him. "I guess there's a basement to this place."

"Awesome, let's go down there!"

The golden retriever sighed. "No, it's probably just for storage." She glanced at her watch. "Besides it's getting late and…"

"Oh come on! Basements are awesome! Where's your sense of adventure?!"

"That Supernol A.M. really works on you I take it?"

"You bet!" He was already prancing down the steps, his ears up and alert. "My senses are fully dilated!"

"What?!" She belted after him down the stairs.

"Wide open! Ready to receive!" he called farther away now. The golden retriever tried to keep up, a hard feat wearing high heels.

"Why do I feel like this is going to turn into yet another vagina joke!"

"Ah you're way ahead of me there Cass! Now c'mon!"

Somewhere far away, but not too far, Andross was intently monitoring his computer screens in his evil lair. The one that had his full attention was a security monitor for one of the camps. He watched the two figures on the monitor prance down a set of stairs and into a basement corridor. The ape's leathery fist clenched tightly and he gritted his teeth.

Wolf came up behind Andross and rested his chin on the ape's left shoulder. "Whatcha lookin' at toots?"

Andross ignored the physical contact and kept his stiffly focused eyes on the screen. "I'm concerned as to where these two are headed…" He pointed.

Wolf recognized the male figure immediately. "Ooh hello! If it isn't Fox McCloud! Someone serve that dishy mate with a side of barbeque sauce. Mm!"

Andross ignored him and the screen switched to a second camera that showed the two figures approaching through the narrow corridor. It was a better view. Wolf licked his lips. "God, he's kept himself in shape." He raised himself and straightened out his leather jacket squinting at the monitor. "Wait, is he in the basement of the camp? That's where the drug rooms are. Give him a while and he'll stumble upon one."

The ape growled under his throat. "I am aware." Andross pondered what to do before that happened.

"Who's in charge of this camp?"

"It's Camp Happiness, Vilda Denseneck."

Wolf covered his face with both paws, "Oh no! That's not the old hippo is it?"

"It is."

"Ew!" He flicked his tongue in disgust. "At the last New Year's party she smelled like hairspray and feet! God I wanted to throw that bitch some Old Spice."

Andross slammed his fist on the desk. "Will you focus!"

Wolf bit his lip and quickly put his paws on the ape's shoulders, massaging gently. "Yes doctor," he said in a wispy sexual manner.

Andross' eyes went half closed and he tilted his head. "How soon can you be at Camp Happiness?"

Wolf thought about it. "It's quite a ways outside town. Probably ten minutes."

"We need to stop him."

Wolf's hands kneaded Andross' tense broad shoulders some more. "I think I can distract him for you Doctor."

The ape grinned. "Then get on it."

"Ooh is that a pun?"

In a lavish mansion back in Corneria City, General Pepper was snorting a line in his office with a dollar bill up one of his nostrils. The bloodhound was in his familiar uniform but nude from the waist down. He reached the end of the line of thin white powder and sighed. "Damn that can't be the last of it!" he cried. He frantically tore apart the room, throwing the contents of his desk, bookcase, and cabinets out on the floor searching for any more small bags of joy. He resigned and returned to his desk quickly pushing his speaker button.

A secretary came on the other line. "Yes General Pepper?"

"Alice!" he cried.

"Uh, it's not Alice sir."

"Oh… uh… Jane!""

"Not Jane either," came the feminine deadpan voice.

"Well who the fuck is it?!"

"It's Sue, what can I do for you sir?"

The General wiped his runny nose with the sleeve of his red uniform. "I need you to call one of the camps…" He sounded desperately close to tears. "Tell them papa needs a brand new bag!"

The secretary sighed as though used to hearing this plea. "General, haven't you had enough?"

"You nazi bitch! You give me my coke when I ask for it!"

"Alright alright!" The secretary surrendered. "I'll call right away."

"That's right! You do what daddy tells you!"

"Excuse me?"

"Oh wait I see more!" The General gleefully yelped.

The secretary listened as she heard a loud snorting sound come through her speaker.

"Fuck!" came a shout. "It's artificial sweetener!" He coughed furiously. "Those bastards! They tricked me!"

"Sir, calm down, drink some water…"

"You shut your mouth or I'll choke you!"

"Sir, I'm going to close the line now…"

She waited, but there was no reply except for a few sobs then another long drawn out snort. With reluctance the secretary dialed into the phone to get more of what the General wanted even though it was quite late and she had plenty of reservations. The line rang just three times before an elderly voice answered.

"This is Vilda Denseneck. How can I help you?"