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>>camp happiness — chapter four: enter andross::

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Disclaimer: Don't own, don't sue.



The ape cackled with all his lung strength making the stone walls of his lair vibrate. His laugh went on and on until he was out of breath. He smiled at the dark dungeon around him and took a sip from the cup in his leathery hand. After a second of taste his face went cross and he spit out the brown drink all over his desk.

"What the fuck is this?!" Andross howled.

A grey wolf with an eye patch pranced up to the desk with a handkerchief. "It's a Mocha Latte just like you asked. Isn't it delish?"

"What?! A mocha fuck what?!" The ape lunged for the wolf's ear and yanked it. "I said I wanted a caramel macchiato you pissant!"

The wolf wiped down the desk with his handkerchief. "Oh come on it's freezing in here. I thought you could use something to warm up your toosh."

Andross rolled his eyes. "Please don't ever call my ass a 'toosh'. If you say that again I will shove this stryofoam cup so far up your ass that exhaling would make you a CFC violation."

"You're so uptight today Dr. Andross," A smirk peeked out from Wolf's lips. "Perhaps something to loosen you up?" He lightly stepped around the ape's chair and put his paws on the doctor's broad shoulders.

Andross flew up from his seat clearly not in the mood. "Don't you have some other dick to suck?"

Wolf scowled, "Fine, I'll be in Leon's room."

Andross watched the Wolf pad away, cringing at the sight of his tight black leather pants offset by an unusually poofy grey tail. The ape turned his attention to the monitors on his desk which were showing various maps. They were detailed schematics of a camp in a forest outside Corneria City.

"…Now the question is why is Fox McCloud at one of MY camps?" The ape mused. "Too bad he's too stupid to figure things out." He grinned and let out an evil laugh, crushing the cup in his hand. His laugh turned to a pained scream as the steaming latte singed his digits. "Ow! Shit! Cunt! Mother…"

"Fucker!" Fox shouted as a raccoon boy dashed into the only bathroom on the hallway and locked the door in front of him. He stood outside the door in just a towel when Vilda entered at the end of the hallway.

"Oh my Fox!" Her eyes glanced down his toned figure as she approached. "If you need to take a shower you can always use the one in my room."

"I'll pass, thanks."

The fat hippo frowned. "Fox, don't feel intimidated by my position. Remember, you're a guest here at Camp Happiness."

"I still pass. I pass so much that if I could pass anymore I'd pass out."

The elder laughed and poked at his leg with her cane. "There's nothing to be afraid of Fox!"

"Are you kidding me? I bet your vagina could swallow me whole. You should put a clause in the camp contract warning parents that employees aren't liable if their six year old child is eaten by a hippo cunt."

"Oh Fox, you're so witty!" She paused and thought for a moment. "That actually sounds like a good idea, I'll get my lawyer right on it!"

Fox grinned. "Boy scouts motto! Be prepared!"

"Very true indeed! In the meantime I'm going to run out and take care of some business downstairs." Before she left she motioned to the door, "Archie, that raccoon boy, is going to be in the bathroom for a long time. Poor chap has always had a thick stool problem." She sighed.

Fox scrunched his nose up and gave the door a horrified look. "You know, your shower doesn't sound so bad anymore."

On the floor below, the golden retriever eyed her room. It was simple, homey, like any other camp dorm. Her window had a nice second floor view of some trees and a clearing outside behind the building. She sighed and put down her things on the bed: itinerary, a portfolio of the camp, and her phone. The second her phone touched the sheets it went off. She quickly answered but didn't say anything at first.

"Cassie? You there?" It was Fox's voice.

She growled, "What do you want?!"

"Hey hey relax babe! I just got out of the shower, I thought you'd like to know."

"No I didn't want to know thank you very much!"

"C'mon you know you think about me naked all the time."

She cringed and tried to fight the thought. "Do you think every woman thinks that about you?!"

"If Vilda, er excuse me, V.D., thinks it, then yes."

"Ew, disgusting."

"I know!"

The golden retriever took a seat on her bed. "So what is it that you really want Fox?"

"A rimjob."

"A what?!"

Fox quickly corrected with a laugh before she could react further. "No I don't know. What are you doing?"

"I'm sitting," she deadpanned.

"Sounds exciting! Come meet me in the lobby. Let's walk around or something."

Cassie sighed, "It's 11 at night. Are you not the least bit tired?"

"Nah, I just took a Supernol A.M. instead of the P.M. by accident, so now I'm wired. So come down stairs now."

"What are you some kind of pill popper?!" She paused "Wait, don't answer that. I already know enough about you. Why should I walk around with you anyway? You've been mean to me all day."

"Because I'm only joking most the time, and you enjoy my company."

The golden retriever stayed silent for a moment and cringed, knowing he was somewhat right. "Fine!" She got up from the bed. "But I get to leave the second you act like a macho jerk."

"Right and I get to leave the second you act like you got twenty-eight tampons shoved up your claptrap."

"Wait what?! You can't leave someone that you asked to come down, that's not how it works bud!"

"Argh whatever! I'm wired! I can't think straight! Just come down now pleaaaasee!"

"Fine, I'll be down in five." She clamped the phone shut and looked at it in her palm for a second. The canine growled and made a repeated stabbing motion with the phone toward her chest. "Why do I put myself in these situations?!" Soon she was out the door to face what would probably be more creatively executed macho-sarcasm.

Vilda Denseneck opened up the double doors to a vast dimly lit room. It had long tables with dozens of sweaty children sitting at them. They were all laboring over various activities even though it was nearly midnight. Some kids were mashing a white powder; others were rolling a green grassy substance into small paper cigarettes.

"Alright faster you little maggots!" she shouted in a gritty voice. "We got a shipment due out at the end of the week and we have to meet deadline this time!"

"Yes, V.D." the children chanted. One little kitty girl started crying and it immediately caught the hippo's attention.

She towered over the hapless girl. "What's wrong with you you little bitch?!"

The kitty stopped mashing the white power with her mallet and wiped her brow. "My paws hurt!"

Vilda seemed immediately sympathetic. She kneeled beside the kitty and put her arms around her in a warm embrace. "Aw poor thing. Well I tell you what!" Her voice began to rise with a grin. "Your face is going to hurt too when I rip it off with my bare hands!" She gritted her teeth threateningly and growled in the toddler's ear. "Now get working!"

The kitty yelped and quickly resumed much more frantically than before. Suddenly a beeping noise emanated from above the busy room. Vilda turned around and pointed a remote at a flat screen monitor that was hanging above the tables. An ape's face soon appeared. That face belonged to Andross.

"Is my shipment going to be ready Ms. Denseneck?" he asked in a smooth oily voice.

"Everything is on schedule Doctor. You'll have two and a half metric tons of blow, and sixty kilos of Ms. Mary Jane cigs waiting for you by Friday."

"Excellent. I'm very proud of this camp in particular. However one thing concerns me…"

"McCloud?" she asked with apprehension.

"Yes… McCloud and his little PR bitch."

"Do not worry Dr. Andross. They know nothing, will know nothing, and can't know nothing. He'll be gone by tomorrow evening."

"Good." The ape grinned. "If things get sticky Vilda, you know who to call."

A grey furry hand suddenly engulfed the screen with a mug in its hand. It blocked most of the ape's angry visage. "I brought you your frappuccino Dr. Andross," came a lispy voice from off-screen.

Vilda watched with confusion.

Andross scowled. "Wolf! I said not while I'm on the viewscreen!"

"Oh right, sorry toots."

Andross growled. "And I wanted a Chai Latte you incessant ignoramus!" He smacked the cup out his face. There was a crash of breaking ceramic, and then a yelp from Wolf. The doctor glared at something off-screen for a moment before returning his attention to Vilda. "I apologize for that." His face soured again. "Remember, Friday, no later."

"Of course Doctor. V.D. out."