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>>camp happiness — chapter two: painting with fox mccloud::

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Disclaimer: Don't own, don't sue.



General Pepper was sprinkling flakes in his fish bowl when his phone rang. He answered with his free hand. "Yes? Who's this?"

"General, it's me," the golden retriever said. "Just wanted to let you know Fox is on the camp grounds and that things are going…," she searched for a word. "…peachy."

"Peachy?" he growled. "I hate peaches. Tell me how my boy is." He oogled at his goldfish, tapping the glass.

The golden retriever squinted at Fox in the distance who was sitting in the grass smoking a joint. "Oh General, your boy? His spirits are… high."

"Good, now tell me what you're wearing Lassie."

She stumbled. "What? My name's not Lassie, it's…"

"Yes it is, you're that collie."

"Uh no sir, no I'm not."

"The one that the little boy can understand and she barks at danger." He sprinkled more fish food in the bowl with a stern look.

"No General I think you're confused. This is the publicist you hired for Fox. I'm not even collie, I'm a golden retriever."

"Golden WHAT?" he bellowed. "I've experimented, but I'm not into that weird pissing fetish nonsense. Quick, what color are your panties?"

"General, I'm hanging up now."

"They're black aren't they Lassie."

"Goodbye General."

"Black, but not black enough that you can't see the little skidmark you leave." There was a sigh. "Oh how I wanna smell your skidmarked panties."

She clamped her cell phone shut, utterly disgusted. Wasting no time she rushed up to Fox. She pulled the joint right out of his mouth and threw it in the grass. Her high heel then gave it a swift crushing death.

"What the fuck!" he shouted.

"We had an agreement! You're going to play nice during your stay and that means no pot."

"You fucking bitch! You don't just take jucking foints out of people's muzzles and stomp on them you hormonal cunt." He got down on all fours to look for the marijuana cigarette.

She crossed her arms unimpressed. "Get up, you have a scheduled activity with kids in front of the cameras." She grabbed him by the upper arm and tried to pull him up.

"Ow! You bitch you're hurting me!"

A little raccoon boy walked by and stopped to look at the golden retriever tugging on Fox's arm. Fox continued to shout. "She's hurting me! Fuck! Look! She's hurting…" He then saw the crushed joint in the grass and tried licking up the contents desperately.

The raccoon boy shook his head at the sight and continued on.

"Oh there you are!" Vilda called as the publicist dragged Fox into a large atrium like room. There was a small group of kids with little canvas easels in front of them to paint on and windows surrounding the room for others to watch.

"Sorry we're late," the publicist said. "Fox had an important call."

"Yeah," he mumbled at her. "Her name was Mary fuckin' Jane and you killed her."

"Fox why don't you help some of those children with their painting."

"…crushed her with your four inch heel of death. Curse your pumps and their savage beastly rage."

The golden retriever glanced down at her simple high heels. "Grow up and help the kids fucking paint," she growled between her teeth.

Vilda smiled, oblivious to the whole muttered conversation. "You may help Sally Mittens with her painting." Vilda walked over and stood by a little kitty girl. "Fox, this is Sally Mittens."

Fox recognized her when the girl turned around; it was the same gray kitty that peed her pants earlier. "Oh not this bitch."

Vilda smiled and stepped back. "Children I have an important announcement." The little ones turned around with wide eyes. "Thanks to Mr. McCloud, you no longer have to call me Ms. Denseneck. All you have to say if you want to get my attention is…" The old lady paused.

"Oh no," the publicist mumbled.

"V.D.!" The hippo grinned. There was no reaction, except from Fox who guffawed at the declaration. "Isn't that cool kids? It's like J.D. only with a V!"

Vilda returned to his side. "Thank you for humoring an old lady."

"No, I should be thanking you instead," he said, clearly the more humored one.

"Oh you're so charming." She adjusted her bottom denture and gave him a somewhat sexual glance.

Fox felt like he just tasted something bitter. "Oh… and you're so… aged."

"Like a fine wine." The obese hippo winked and hobbled away.

"More like a fine cheese."

The little kitty girl looked up at Fox with big blue eyes as soon as Vilda left the room. "Hi," Fox said. The little girl ignored him and turned around to paint a circle. He narrowed his eyes. "What the fuck's your problem, I save the planet yet you can't say hi to me?"

Vilda and the publicist watched him through a window nearby. "Well, he seems to be conversing wonderfully with Sally Mittens," the hippo said, beaming.

"I'm sure," the publicist added, still not impressed by Fox as it looked like he was just blabbing at the girl.

Fox looked around at the other kids painting and then back at the golden retriever through the window. He gave her an 'I don't know what the fuck I'm doing' look and shrugged. She gestured her hand to suggest he help the girl paint something.

He fumbled for a brush. "Here let's add another circle."

"Okay," the kitty said calmly.

Fox drew another circle right next to the girl's. The two circles were touching but his was slightly bigger.

"What is that?" the girl asked with a high pitched voice.

Fox fumbled, "I don't know. What the fuck do you think it is?" he asked indifferently. She stayed quiet. "It could be anything. It could be an infinity sign, maybe a nice pair of balls. My left one is bigger just like in this painting." He pointed to the larger circle. "Or it could be boobs, it needs two nipples. Go on and paint some nipples on those suckers."

The girl put a dot in each circle.

Vilda gasped from behind the window. "Oh great goodness!" When the golden retriever saw what was on the kitty's canvas she palmed her face, waiting for further reaction. "I don't believe it!" Vilda cried with distress. "Fox got Sally Mittens to paint two eyes! Oh it's a miracle!" The golden retriever looked over at the ranting hippo with surprise. "Genius! Amazing!" she continued to shout. The fat hippo became incoherent as she hobbled as fast as she could around to the door to the atrium.

The publicist breathed a sigh of relief, then ran in after the hippo to make sure nothing else was added to the canvas.

"What'd you think of the painting?" Fox said smugly as he walked with the golden retriever through the camp building's lobby.

"It was graphic and lewd."

"They were eyes! Get your mind out of the gutter."

"They were not eyes! They were tits! You drew tits in front of a group of six year olds."

"They were not tits! Why are you thinking about tits so much? Why are they on your mind huh?"

"Oh shutup." The golden retriever looked to the right, and saw one of the camp helpers put the crude canvas in a display case. "Well I hope you're happy. Now it's there for everyone to see." She watched a news crew run up to the display case and take more pictures. "The headlines will surely help Pepper's campaign. Fox McCloud, Pepper's key mercenary, draws breasts for children!"

"Hey that doesn't sound too bad." He smirked. "I've done worse."

"I bet," the publicist shot. "Thankfully there's no media footage of that."

"I got some amateur stuff back on my ship."

The golden retriever went slack-jawed. "That's disgusting!"

"Eh, I jack off to it once in a while. Call me narcissistic."

"What's jacking off?" came a higher pitched voice directly in front of them. It stopped the two in their tracks. They looked down to see the same small raccoon boy.

The publicist glared at Fox. "That's great. You just taught masturbation to a child that can't even ejaculate yet."

"What's ejaculate?"

"Don't answer that!" she shouted at Fox.

"When you get older, and your balls drop, and you're fucking a chick…"

"Fox stop!"

"…or jacking off or whatever, after a while things start feeling really good," The boy's big brown eyes blinked. "…and then!" Fox made an explosion gesture with his hands over his crotch. "Ejaculation."

The retriever covered her face with her paw again.

"Oh," the small boy said. He turned around and skipped away merrily.

"I can't believe you just did that," the publicist barked when the boy was out of earshot.

Fox grinned. "I'm just trying to piss you off."

"Well it's working. You're gonna get us in deep shit so cut it out."

"I bet you got real tight snatch."

"Excuse me?" she asked hotly.

"You're so uptight, it's gotta be. It's probably so tight it'd be like doing you in the ass."

He quickly met a brisk slap across the face.

He cupped his cheek. "What the fuck was that for!" he shouted, but she was already walking away.